Jokes

[Al]

Just thought I would post some jokes to lighten things up a bit, if you have a contribution please join in[:p][:p] Of cause these are not ment to offend in any way;)

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign ................ What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria ............... Back door to cafeteria.

Barium ................. What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section ....... A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan ................ Searching for the cat.

Cauterize .......... Made eye contact with her.

Colic ............... A sheep dog.

Coma ............... A punctuation mark.

D&C ................ Where Washington is.

Dilate ............. To live longer than your kids do.

Enema ............. Not a friend.

Fester ............ Quicker than someone else.

Fibula ............ A small lie.

G.I.Series ......... World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail ........... What you hang your coat on.

Impotent ........... Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain .......... Getting hurt at work.

Morbid .............. A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates ............ Cheaper than day rates.

Medical Staff ....... A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

Node .................... I knew it.

Outpatient .............. A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear ................ A fatherhood test.

Pelvis ................... Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative ........... A letter carrier.

Recovery Room .... Place to do upholstery.

Secretion ....... Hiding something.

Tablet .......... A small table to change babies on.

Seizure .......... Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.

Terminal Illness .... Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor ............... More than one.

Urine ............... Opposite of mine.

Varicose ............ Near by.

Hospital ............ The biggest building in town, other than Ed's feed warehouse.

Smart Redneck

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana
inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the
shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday buddy!"

Ice Fishing

There were two good ol' boys from Alabama who loved to fish. They wanted to do some ice fishing that they'd heard about in Canada, so they took off to try it.

The lake was frozen nicely, so they stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their bait and tackle.

One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick." After they got their equipment, they took off.

In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

He sold him the picks, and the good ol' boy left.

In about an hour, he was back at the shop agaain and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The shop owner couldn't believe it. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the stupid boat in the water yet."

Redneck In The City

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life.

The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's that?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the wall light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma.... "

50 Bucks

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."


He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.


He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

The Redhead

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says.
"You have a broken finger."

[Darth Garry]

Did you hear about that new pirate movie?

It's rated AAARRRRRRRRRGH!!!!

That's my joke.

Garry

[Diesel]

A man walked into a bar and said ouch!

[Darth Garry]

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A Carrot!

LOL

Ok ok ok -

What do you get when you cross an Elephant and Darth Vader?

an ELEVADER!!!!!

ha ha ha I just kill myself.

Garry

[Jen]

Computer Terms for Aroostook County (Northern Maine)
1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from downloading too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the US mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when its cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip - Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat chips
16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you nod off
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks at McDonalds
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerio box
22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine sweepstakes
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen on the camp
29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket in case you get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - waitress
32. Mail Server - male waitress. Darn few in Maine
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35 User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing your stuff
6. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry patch
37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair
39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network
40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week
41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground - better luck next week

[Davefb]

Heres a classic

What do you call a cammel with three humps?

Humfrey


Whos the most popular man at the nudist beach?
The man who can carry 12 donuts and 2 cans without a bag.

Whos the most popular woman at the nudist beach?
The woman who can swollow the last four donuts

[B1G VR]

FOR SALE
Full set of encyclopedia britannica, genuine reason for sale wife knows everything.

What do call an intelligent blonde? A golden retriever.

[Darth Garry]

Halloween Joke -

What can't skeletons have babies?

Because they have hollow - weenies!

ha ha ha ha

Garry

[caddyboy]

Did you hear about the bloke who had 5 penis'

His underpants fit like a glove.

[Darth Garry]

Wouldn't plural for penis be penii?

[Davefb]

Here's one for Gary:

One day, a drummer is fed up of being called a "dumber" and so decides to learn the guitar. He walks into a shop and says to the bloke behing the counter: "I did like to buy a guitar please."
The bloke behind says "you're a drummer arn't you?"
"Yeah, how did you know?"
"This is a fish shop, you idiot"

[Davefb]

Don't worry Garry, I'm a bassist

[Al]

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight
up to the counter and says, "Hi! I hate drawing welfare. I'd
really rather have a job."

The clerk behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old
man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac
daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but
he'll supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be
expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll
have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting
salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're Bull s**tting me!"

The welfare clerk says, "Yeah, well, you started it".:D

[vwabbitman]

i got one
one good picup line
go up to a girl and ask her if the carpet matches the curtain and see what she does everybody around u will be laughing

its not that great of a joke but u get the idea right if u dont ask a girl what that means and she might tell u

[Darth Garry]

Sounds like a good way to get slapped if you ask me.

Garry

[A1-NutSack]

i hope no one minds some micheal jackson jokes

heres a few jokes i got from another site(dci)and i thought i would share them

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
A. From a catalogue

Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson's New Book?
A: It's called "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing”.

Q. How do you know Michael Jackson is having a party?
A. There are a bunch of tricycles in front of his house.

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the Detroit Tigers have in common?
A: They both wear one glove for no apparent reason.

Q: Why was Michael Jackson spotted at K-Mart?
A: He heard boys' pants were half-off!

Q. What's the difference between Mr. Potato Head and Michael Jackson?
A. Michael Jackson has had more noses.

Q. When is it bed time at Michael Jackson’s house?
A. When the big hand is on the little hand!

Q. What do Michael Jackson and a jockey have in common?
A. They both ride three year olds.

Q. What's the worst stain to try and remove from a little boy's underpants?
A. Michael Jackson's makeup.

Q. Why does Michael Jackson disappear for a couple hours after one of his little
friends leaves?
A. It takes that long to get the bubble gum off his dick.

Q. What did the lady at the beach say to Michael Jackson?
A. I believe you’re in my son.

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is plastic and harmful to children, the other is used to carry groceries.

Q. What does Michael Jackson consider a perfect 10?
A. Two 5 year olds.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson decide to have a boy of his own?
A. Because it's too expensive to rent them at $2 million a pop!

Q: What's icky and in a baby's diaper?
A: Michael Jackson's hand!

Q: What's white and in Michael Jackson's pocket?
A: His other hand!

Q: What do you do if Michael Jackson is drowning?
A: Throw him a buoy!

Q: What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common?
A: They're both 44 year old meat between 10 year old buns!

Q: How do you neuter Michael Jackson?
A: Give him spiked gloves and tell him to sing a song!

Q: What's black on the inside, white on the outside, and comes in little cans?
A: Michael Jackson!

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?
A. One got burnt doing Pepsi, the other got burnt doing coke.

Q: What was the foundation that Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor started?
A: The Ignited Negro College Fund!

Q: Why did Pepsi fire Michael Jackson?
A: Because he was caught sucking on a Squirt!!

Q. What does Michael Jackson reminisce about?
A. Blowing his first nose.

Q. Who is the greatest person ever?
A. Michael Jackson - he was born a poor black boy in Gary, Indiana and grew up
to become a rich white woman in Europe.

Q. What did Elvis say after seeing Michael and Lisa Marie on television?
A. "Boy, that's a relief. I though she married a black guy!"

Q. What did Lisa-Marie Presley say to Michael Jackson when he proposed?
A. "Yes, I'll marry you. But promise me one thing -- no kids!"

Q. What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley?
A. About two dress sizes.

Q. What was Michael Jackson thinking on his wedding night?
A. "Now Lisa-Marie can give me a little boy of my own."

Q. What were Lisa-Marie's newlywed complaints about Michael Jackson?
A1. He leaves the lid off the mascara, causing it to dry out.
A2. That battleaxe Liz Taylor never calls before she comes over.
A3. She suspects he's using her to get to Elvis' bones.
A4. He touches her kids more than he touches her.

Q. Why did Michael Jackson cross the road?
A. He saw someone blowing bubbles and thought he'd join in.

Q: Why are Michael Jackson's pants so small?
A: Because they aren't his!

Q. How did Michael Jackson get in trouble?
A. He was feeling a little Randy.

Q. Why does Michael Jackson like children so much?
A. He knows how they feel.

Q. What did Michael Jackson say when he got back to Neverland Ranch from drug
rehab?
A. You know, I feel like a new boy!

Q. How do we know Michael Jackson is guilty?
A. Several children have fingered him.

Q. Where does Michael Jackson go to find a date?
A. Boys 'R Us.

Q. Why is Michael Jackson so tough?
A. He can lick any kid on the block.

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!


A little boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God a male or a female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both a male and
a female."
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks,
"Is Michael Jackson God?"

Michael Jackson asked his wife's doctor how soon after the birth could he have
sex. The doctor told him he should wait until the kid is at least 12 or 13 years
old.

The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more
allegations about little boys, the Pope says he'll have no choice but to make
him a priest.

Did you know they're putting out a Michael Jackson stamp?
People get to vote for the white or black Michael Jackson.

and a picture that i laughed at
http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20031120/capt.rs10811202309.michael_jackson_rs108.jpg

[P4ulo]

jesus mate, some funny some a little close to the knuckle.
Poor old jacko. He's pretty messsed up in the head huh?
Still did some excellent tracks though eh?
Billy Jean
Thriller
Dirty Diana
ABC.

[A1-NutSack]

yeah, he's pretty screwed up but did make some good tunes

[LuckDrgnAeon]

quote:Originally posted by Admin
The Redhead

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says.
"You have a broken finger."




That's a blonde Joke. I know because I have red hair, and we're each smarter then most blondes combined.:D

Blondes are a dime a dozen. Red heads are a quarter each. lol

[A1-NutSack]

AeonDesent, i like that drawing, was it done by you???

[LuckDrgnAeon]

I can only take credit for the black on the bottom of the PickUp. The actual image is from an '81 brochure. I got photoshoped it a bit.

http://www.volkswagen.org/caddy/brochures/81_10a.gif:D

[gocaddygo]

This ones for P4ulo, Happy New Year

A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."
Steve says, "What for?"
Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Steve says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Steve says, "What's the difference?"
Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Steve says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration." Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the s**t out of the guy and says, "Do you want me to slow down or stop?"

[P4ulo]

Nice one mate/dude.
If only I could sometimes beat some of the d1ckheads I have to deal with everyday, my job would be even more enjoyable!!!

[Darth Garry]

Ok P4ulo another one...

While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 15 mph over), Inoticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. Naturally, hepulled me over, walked up to the car and asked me, "What's the hurry?"
I replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop. "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop said, "What?.... A rectum stretcher? What does a rectum stretcher DO?"
I said, "Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand. Then I work until I can get both hands in there, and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide."
The cop asked me, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"
I simply replied, " You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge....."

[thepedster]

OMG Garry that last one is the best !!!

I am gonna ahve to remember some of these for telling down the oub

[P4ulo]

oh yeah garry thats so funny, but when thieves are stealing diesel from your tank, I'll bet you call us for some help eh? (JK) lol.
Like anybody would be stupid enough to steal diesel eh? hahaha.
Only joking, I love cop jokes, but I am mentally retarded and cannot actually remember jokes as soon as I hear them!!! Good luck Pedster.

[Darth Garry]

The Sportruck is the greatest anti-theft deterrant since they invented those posts you tie your horses to. No one would want to touch that with a 10 foot pole. I guarantee no one could figure out how to start it!!! :D

Garry

[gocaddygo]

15 mph over the limit, you must have put the TDI in already.

[StompinRound]

Either that, or he was in a school zone. Really though I got clocked once at 89 in a 55 zone with my NA diesel, I argued that it was a physical impossibility (I mean, it wasn't even downhill!!) but it did me no good.

[StompinRound]

Anyway I got this one from my mom the other day, I thought it was pretty good

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Just
before 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door,
the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I
was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution
(even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with
him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him
Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock". When I asked him why, he said,
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. s**t.",
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times,
giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

[StompinRound]

I also got pulled over on that same stretch of highway once for doing 9 MPH.

Policeman said I must have been sleeping pretty good as he followed me for 6 miles with the lights and sirens blaring. then he said I probably couldn't hear him over that damn clattering and asked me to shut off the engine.

He let me go with a warning and told me that my fine would be to go and buy a radio to help keep me awake, and then he told me to have that thing checked for exhaust leaks

[Darth Garry]

Why couldn't the Melons get married?

Because they Cantelope!


Ok - What did the snail say when it climbed on top of the turtle?

WEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Ok - Ok - What's Brown and Sticky?

A Stick!!!

LOL. I kill Myself.

Garry

[DieselsRcool]

?

[StompinRound]

DieselsRcool, I definately agree with you on that one!

[Darth Garry]

Q: How do you say "Bra" in German?

A: holdemfromflopin

Garry

[Darth Garry]

Ok a new one!

A bear walks into a bar and says "I'd like a . . . . . Beer."

The bartender looks at him and says "Why the big pause?"

LOL!